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Entries in humor (4)

Tuesday
Sep082009

Skip Obama! Dittohead 101 is in Session...

The nurse is on her way to hook me up to the damn day-long IV.  Thought I'd leave some reading material for you.  I needed a smile this morning.

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Column: Skip Obama! Dittohead 101 is in session

Palm Beach Post Staff Writer

Saturday, September 05, 2009

News item: Parents of students in the Palm Beach County School District may send a written request to excuse their children from listening to President Obama's address to the nation's schoolchildren on Tuesday.

The option to ignore the presidential address is due in part to Florida GOP Chairman Jim Greer, who characterized the president's speech on the value of working hard and staying in school as a ploy to "indoctrinate" children into a "socialist ideology."

Dear Socialized Education Principal:

I am writing this letter first of all to voice my displeasure that you are allowing Barack Nobama to speak to children in your school without also allowing a rebuttal by one of the many people in our community who would be happy to tell the children how their so-called "president" is really a Kenyan Muslim trying to destroy this country to make his terrorist pals happy.

Can't you at least be fair and balanced, comrade?

So, yes, consider this letter formal notice that I want my child excused from being contaminated by Obama's words.

Who does he think he is?

He shouldn't be allowed to spew his Marxist worldview that kids should do their best (to serve Big Brother!) and stay in school (to keep socialized education strong!).

That's almost as sick as his death panels.

And I know I'm not the only parent who is outraged that my child could be exposed to this person who calls himself president.

(You know who else liked to give speeches? Hitler. Think about it.)

You should hear what my Tea Party friends have been saying. And as for the Glenn Beck meet-up folks, well, they cry real tears for a chance to return our country to its glorious days of Bush-Cheney.

So get ready for a Plan B.

You are going to have a lot of children in your school who will need something else to do at noon Tuesday during Obama's speech.

I have a recommendation.

While all the communist children are listening to the black man who wants to unplug their grandmas, you can have all the real American children listening to the actual leader of our country, Rush Limbaugh, who is, as he rightly proclaims, "on loan from God."

(And I'm talking about the real God. On another subject, would it kill you to require daily prayer to Jesus in your little socialist gulag?)

Anyway, Limbaugh's radio program begins at noon, too. Perfect timing.

Instead of a presidential brainwashing, the students can learn to say "Ditto!" at everything Limbaugh says as he proclaims the kind of truth that millions of his adult listeners have come to rely upon.

It's the least you can do.

And it doesn't involve your teachers, which is just as well, because they're heavily infiltrated with unionist feminazis who for too long have been spreading their own brand of socialism to impressionable kindergartners: Don't push. Share the toys. Play together.

No wonder this country is going down the drain!

 
 
Sunday
Aug302009

A Lamb Tale...

 
 
Anyone who has ever read me or knows me in the flesh world, knows that I am married to an Englishman.  I mean, I whine about it a lot.  I adore my husband, don't get me wrong.  I don't whine about him the person (well, yes OK, I do, but we're not going there in this little narrative), I sometimes whine about his "Englishness."  Listen up Americans, we're not like them.  As much as you would like to think we are, we are not.  And furthermore, we do not even really share a common language with a different accent.  We do not say "whilst" or "Hark! Did you hear that sound?" or even "Stop giving me "agro."  Also, culturally, we're really different.  Just look at our huge bruhaha over a national healthcare plan.  That should be your first clue.  We won't discuss guns or capital punishment.  Of course to good ol' liberal Me, the  English ideas about these issues are the right ideas.  All this being said, this little tale (tail) isn't about the esoteric, but rather the mundane, a bonless, rolled leg of lamb available at any Costco store nationwide. (Ignore the dates on the package, some of these are photos I took last Easter)
We were at Costco last Thursday.  As usual I was lollygagging along at the meat counter dreaming of recipes yet unmade.  Husband flitted over and said, "Oh, can  we get a leg of lamb?  I fancy (see?...some more real English venacular) some lamb."  I said, "But of course, My Darling" or something to that effect.  Maybe I said, "Oh, OK, but if you get lamb, I'm buying that big box of frozen enchiladas you never want me to have, deal?"  So we got the lamb AND the enchiladas.  Yay Me for knowing how to negotiate.  Donald Trump should invite me to be on The Apprentice tv show.  I had a lamb plan.
 
Usually lamb at our house is regular roast lamb.  We have it with roasted potatoes and vegetables and sometimes Yorkshire puddings.  It's all veddy veddy English.  It's always good, but rather ummmmmm, meaning no offense here, English...plain.  Yes, that's it.  Tasty but plain.  If the English style roast leg of lamb could sing, it would croon a rendition of "There'll be Blue Birds over the white cliffs of Dover."  I want my leg of lamb to belt out "Jerimiah was a bullfrog."
 
While channel surfing, I had recently come across an episode of  that Food Network madman, Guy Fieri.  He's the kind of guy I would have dated in my younger days.  Do you know of him?  If not and you're an American with cable television, catch his show.  It's great entertainment and he features some fantastic recipes.  This particular episode featured Tandoori-style lamb done on the bar-b-que grill.  My ears perked up.  as I watched him prepare the dish I was enthralled.  As much as I love roasted lamb and potatoes English-style with all the trimmings, I began metally kissing those Yorkshire puddings and rich gravy good-bye.  I was scheming how I could don my imaginary Bedouin outfit and sneak this tandoori lamb recipe into my repetoire of cooking tricks.  Our trip to Costco and husband's plaintive request for the leg of lamb, unbeknownst to him, provided the impetus for my nefarious  Tandoori-style grilled lamb escapade.  I was giddy with the pure joy of executing the plan.
 
The plan began with me making the marinade.  It was easy to make and I had all of the ingredients called for, including plain Greek yogurt.  I did change the recipe around a bit.  Fieri's recipe calls for whole cumin seeds and whole coriander seeds that are smoked and  then ground in  a processor.  I had jars of ground cumin and ground coriander so I smoked that.  I mean, why cause extra work for oneself just to feel like a gourmet chef, right? 
 
Once I had the marinade made, I called husband in to help me with the lamb.  Usually, when I make a boneless leg of lamb, I have husband un-net it.  I lay it flat and slather it by hand with a mixture of olive oil, rosemary, salt and pepper made into a paste.  Then, I re-roll the lamb and husband, using both hands, stretches the netting open (It's elasticized) and we work cooperatively to stuff the leg of lamb back into the netting.  It's somewhat like trying to help a fat lady into a girdle, lots of huffing and puffing, but we get it done.  So husband comes in  a undoes the lamb's netting/girdle. 
 
I say, "OK, lay the lamb out and make some slits in it with the knife going into the middle but not through."
 
I see him start to squint his eyes a little, but he does it. 
 
I hand him a two gallon ziplock bag and say, "Lay the lamb flat in here."
 
I grab the bowl of marinade from the refrigerator and say, "Dump the marinade in the bag and......."
 
At this very point, my husband turns into someone I have never known.  Wait, I take that back.  At this point my husband turns into my ex-husband and I remember why we divorced.  My very gentle, sweet English husband begins screaming at me...
 
"I am NOT putting that mess on this perfectly good lamb.!"  "What are you doing with my lamb?"
 
He starts trying  to pull the lamb from the bag.  I did not know who this man wearing my husband's face was.
 
I am not English.  I am very American.  Therefore,  I always operate under the premise that a good offense is the best defense.  I begin screaming back at husband,
 
"First of all, it's not YOUR lamb.  It's our lamb.  Secondly, I am one of the few wives we know who cooks every single night.  Thirdly, I try so hard to make you meals that are interesting and flavorful and I read cookbooks like other women read People Magazine.  You eat four things, roast lamb with roast potatoes, roast chicken with roast potatoes, shepherd's pie and bangers and mash and I am sick to death of those damn french-cut frozen green beans you like.  I try so hard.  I slave away for you.  You appreciate nothing I cook."  
 
 I was running out of steam and things to scream at this point so I closed with "And, if you think that dog likes you better, well, you're just  wrong, wrong wrong.  Get out of MY kitchen!!!!!"
 
Husband stomps out and I finish the lamb myself.  I make sure that I am sniffling very loudly and muttering to myself about how hard I try to please my husband even with my bad hands, how he has no palate for the finer things in life gastronomically-speaking and so on and so forth.  I start washing up the dishes, sniffling into the dishwater.  Husband slinks into the kitchen, turns me around, hugs me and makes this huge apology.  My husband seldom apologizes so this really was score one for the Gipper for me.  I squeezed a couple of more tears out (it took every ounce of my dramatic ability to do this) and forgave him. 
 
In reality, I could give two hoots if husband liked the recipe.  I wanted to try it and if he ate it, good for him.  If not, oh well, he could always make himself a cheese and Branston pickle sandwich.  It was the principle of him acting like he was in charge of that lamb that rankled me.  I am the chef and he's the sous chef and it's as simple as that.
 
I let the lamb sit in that marinade for two days in the refrigerator.  We were having a friend whose wife was out of town for dinner friday night.  I served the lamb.  I started with iceberg lettuce wedge with blue cheese and bacon bits.  We had zucchini and yellow squash sautee'd in a bit of oil, the onions grilled with the lamb and home-made peach cobbler (Yes! I am still using up those Costco peaches!)for dessert.  I did not make a starch.  Everything was so flavorful that it was unnecessary.  We didn't miss potatoes or rice.
 
Both husband and our guest raved about the lamb.  It was delicious and absolutely the most tender lamb I've ever eaten.  The lamb was not spicy.  The flavors were very very subtle.
 
Grilled Tandoori Lamb
 
Ingredients:
 
  • 1 tablespoon whole coriander seeds ( I used coriander powder and upped it to 3 TBS)
  • 1 tablespoon whole cumin seeds (I used cumin powder and upped it to 3 TBS)
  • 3 cups plain yogurt
  • 1 lime, zested and juiced
  • 2 tablespoons paprika
  • 2 teaspoons ground ginger
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
  • 1 teaspoon turmeric
  • 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
  • 1 tablespoon sugar
  • 1 tablespoon coarse kosher salt (I used French fleur de sel)
  • 1 tablespoon freshly ground black pepper
  • 1 (4-pound) boneless lamb shoulder, butterflied
  • 3 tablespoons chopped garlic
  • 2 onions, peeled and quartered with root end attached (I used 4)

Method:

 Toast the coriander and the cumin in a saute pan over medium heat until the spices become fragrant and just begin to smoke, 2 minutes. Set the spices aside to cool.

 

Combine the yogurt, lime, cumin, coriander, paprika, ginger, cinnamon, turmeric, cayenne, sugar, salt, and pepper in a medium bowl.

 

 
Poke the lamb several times with a fork (I made slits and hand rubbed the marinade in) and place in a large resealable plastic bag with the garlic and the onions and pour in the yogurt mixture. Move the lamb around in the bag to coat completely and place in the refrigerator to marinate for 4 to 6 hours.(I did the 2 days in the refrigerator and when I removed the lamb, there was very little marinade left in the bag.  The meat had absorbed most of it). 
Remove the lamb and the onions from the marinade and let sit at room temperature for about 20 minutes. Discard the marinade. Heat the grill to high, sear all sides of the lamb and adjust grill to indirect heat, about 350 degrees F. Grill the lamb for about 45 minutes per side for medium. When the lamb is cooked, remove it to a platter to rest for 15 minutes before cutting. **
** our grill is a big infared grill.  I turned on all four burners to start.  After searing the meat, I turned off the two center burners and had to turn the two remaining lit burners to medium-low to keep the grill temperatire at 350 degrees.  My lamb took 40 minutes (maybe a little less) per side.  It was a nice pink color in the middle and a bit more well done at the thinner ends.
Add the onions to the grill and cook until caramelized and tender, about 10 minutes. I did this while the meat rested.  Remove the onions from the grill and serve with the lamb.

 

  

 

 
  

 

 

 

 

Monday
Apr062009

Act 1 Scene 1

 

  

I'm home.  I'm happy.  I'm harried...

 

We've finally finished unpacking the items we had in storage when we rented the house out in December.  Basically that involved emptying every closet, every bathroom cupboard and medicine cabinet, the pantry and every kitchen cabinet that contained food items, emptying both refrigerators and  removing all personal photos and  every office file and item.  We told renters we'd keep one side of the garage.  We packed everything we weren't taking to the RV into big plastic tubs and stored them on that side of the garage.  It's work to pack up and it's work to unpack it again at the end of three months.  Obviously the rental income makes it worthwhile to us.  I wouldn't have said that two days ago when we were in the throes of heavy unpacking, but today, after it's all over, I can say that.

We have such wonderful neighbors.  On Friday friends/neighbors hosted a welcome back cocktail party in our honor.  It was lovely.  We really feel honored and are grateful to know such fine people.  On Saturday another neighbor couple hosted a dinner and invited two other couples with whom we are friends.  After dinner we played a really fun game.  I have no idea what it's called but it involved teams trying to guess famous names.  It was hilarious.  We really are fortunate to live among such wonderful people.

Today we:

  • met with the insurance adjuster over at the RV site so he could assess the tornado damage we incurred last week
  • visited with RV friends briefly
  • drove over to an RV park we had heard about to see about storing the rv there and staying there while we rent the house out next winter.  It's really nice and we really liked it.  There's a waiting list for next year so we put our name down and will hope for the best
  • came home, grabbed a quick lunch
  • went off to COSTCO to fill prescriptions.  I forgot my prescriptions but consoled myself by buying a huge tub of two bite brownies
  • went to the RV dealer to make an appointment for June to have the tornado damage repaired
  • went to the post office to collect the last of the mail from our rented P.O. Box and turn in the box keys
  • tried to stop by the new salon where I was told my neighbor was now working so I could make an appointment to get a haircut.  It was closed.
  • came home and supervised husband while he planted a tree we bought yesterday.  A minor argument ensued because I asked him to turn the tree several times for the best aesthetic placement of the flowering branches.  One of us is accused of being a perfectionist as if that's a bad thing.  One of us said "bite me" to the other and stormed off into the house to gobble down four two bite brownies to assuage the hurt feelings engendered by some foreigner calling her names.  I'm not saying who did what.  You figure it out.  But I will say that the tree looks lovely and if one is going to do a job one should strive for perfection...I'm just sayin'....
  • made dinner in the manner of a perfectionist.  No complaints about that when it comes to how I cook.
  • walked the dog.  It was so windy she almost blew away.  Well, not really.  That's an exaggeration.  But it WAS and is still very windy here.

That's my life  today.  How's yours?  Leave me a note and let me know...

 

Thursday
Feb192009

Fasnaris

I have mentioned before that I read daily newspapers from the UK, the US and Canada. The article below appeared in the UK Guardian two days ago. Call me immature for a grandmotherly type, but I laughed all the way through my reading of it.

In my family we used the word "Fasnaris." As a preteen, I asked why we used that word, Fasnaris and was told, "Because it sounds nicer." Because of my mother's stern face and tone of voice when she said that, I knew better than to posit the natural follow-up question, "Nicer than what?" I may be immature, but I've never been particularily stupid (I hope). Having just said that, I wonder why I keep capitalizing the word "Fasnaris", it's not a proper noun. It's not even a real noun/word. I know this because after the brief talk with my mother, I tried looking up "Fasnaris" in the dictionary. There is no such word....so yeah, maybe I am stupid.

For my fellow American readers who may not know the word "twee" (as I did not) and do not have a British husband to ask (as I do) here is it's definition. And finally, based on the article, my top two favorites are "Sparkly Bits" and "Doris" with Doris topping the list. Do leave me a note telling me your favorite...that last sounded so veddy veddy English...I am becoming bilingual!

Problem solved - update

Finding an acceptable word for your daughter's genitals is a tricky business. Here are some of your suggestions

On 31 January I answered a problem from a reader asking what to call her daughter's genitals - something that wasn't too twee, euphemistic or overly anatomical. I asked other readers how they dealt with this; many of you replied. I forgot to ask if people minded if I used their names or not, so I've played it safe and made everyone fairly anonymous.

Edward was the first to write in: "I am trying to spread the use of the term 'twinkie'. This is assonant with 'winkie' which is quite a good word for a penis. Another good one is the french 'zizzi'."

Anne said that her "daughter and her friends always referred to what you are discussing as a 'minnie' when they were at primary school. This was new to me, but I grew up in a different town. My mother and her mother, etc, referred to it as a 'ha'penny' - and generally only in the reminder to "keep yer 'and on yer ha'penny" when unsupervised. I think this dates back to my great-grandmother, who would have been born in the 1870s or 80s."

Lots and lots of you wrote in to suggest 'yoni', which is a Sanskrit word but also that used in the Kama Sutra. And more of you than I had anticipated call it a 'front bottom'.

Helen wrote in to tell me about "some terms local to the North East, where I am a gynaecologist and obstetrician. Patients round here do use the term 'privates' or 'private parts', (and occasionally 'Sunday face'!) or 'down below', but I agree these are more suited to adults than to small children. Also commonly heard are the terms 'fairy' (too twee?), 'fan' (short for fanny? a bit American, I fear) and 'foof', by girls and adults alike."

Sara suggested 'ladybits' which I rather like. V called it 'tweenies' - "as a female child growing up in the 50s and 60s, my mother (who was a nurse) called mine 'tweenies'. My sister and I think it came from between the legs."

Cathy Keir has already blogged on the subject and referred me to her entry.

F told me about her "Austrian great grandfather, who made up the word 'bunsie' to refer to my mother's private parts when she was a girl. But for some reason, I hated the sound of it; it made me cringe. I wanted to find something similarly unique, but more to my liking for our daughter. My partner and I came up with 'mimi'. We liked it, as it sounded both cute and pretty, which is how we ultimately want our daughter to feel about her 'bits'."

Dominique put a French spin on it: "My sister and I are both French and married to Englishmen. We grew up calling the female private parts 'nenette'. My grandmother (my mum's mother) called it 'la lune' (the moon). I have two daughters and in our house we call it 'nenette'. The term only refers to the part where the pee comes out. I do not use any different terms for the sex organs. I use their anatomical names."

Angela suggested: "'Widge' or 'widgie' for a boy and 'twimp' for a girl are daft but popular terms used in our family to describe the unmentionables, and a friend from the past used to call hers a 'ruminella', but couldn't say why. Some time ago, my sister overheard her daughter and son talking about this very subject. 'If a boy's willy is called a penis, what's a girl's thing called?' said my niece to her younger brother. In all seriousness, he replied that it was called 'Fine China'. Sweet." [Think of the rhyming slang …]

A few Italians wrote in to say they'd never heard of 'fiorella' or 'fiorellina', which is what I'd mentioned in the column. There does seem to be a lot of variation as to what to call it in Italy. Robi used to call it 'patatina' (little potato, which is another common Italian word for vulva) and her friend used to call it 'conchiglietta' (little shell). Cherry's neighbour growing up was a Jewish doctor whose daughters called theirs a 'toshie' which she also adopted.

But I think my favourite was Mary's suggestion. Her daughter (two-and-a-half years old) calls hers her 'sparkly bits'.

Other suggestions included

Snooky
Nunee or noony
Flossy
Quim
Minnie
Minky
Vuyo
Cookie
Priscilla
Pinky Bo-Bo
Muff
Twinkle
Wonty
Pom-Pom
Toot
Doris
Mapatazi
Bwpen
Buffy
Schmooey